Inspired by the work of Terrence Real and his book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
Most couples do not argue because they want to hurt one another. In fact, many conflicts begin with good intentions. You tell yourself that this time you’re going to stay calm, listen properly, or avoid getting defensive. But then something happens — a look, a tone of voice, a criticism, silence — and suddenly all those intentions disappear. You may find yourself raising your voice despite promising yourself you wouldn’t, emotionally withdrawing when things become tense, or feeling convinced that your partner is entirely to blame. In those moments, it can feel as though you are no longer fully in control of your reactions.
Many couples find themselves caught in these repetitive cycles, having the same arguments over and over again while resolving very little. In the middle of conflict, we can lose sight of the fact that the person standing opposite us is also the person we love most. According to Terrence Real, this happens because we shift from what he calls “Us consciousness” into “You and Me consciousness.” In “Us” consciousness, even during disagreement, there remains an awareness that the relationship itself matters and deserves protecting. In “You and Me” consciousness, the relationship becomes adversarial. The focus shifts toward self-protection, blame, defence, or winning. Emotional connection disappears, and survival instincts take over.
This shift is not simply about poor communication or lack of self-control. When we become emotionally overwhelmed, the nervous system moves into fight, flight, shutdown, or self-protective responses. In these moments, the more reflective and reasoning parts of the brain become less accessible, and we begin reacting from older emotional patterns instead of responding thoughtfully in the present. What makes these patterns especially difficult to change is that they are often deeply connected to our early experiences and relationships.
A central idea in Real’s work is the distinction between the “Adaptive Child” and the “Wise Adult.” The Adaptive Child is the part of us shaped by earlier emotional experiences, particularly experiences involving criticism, neglect, shame, intrusion, emotional inconsistency, or feeling unsafe in close relationships. This part of us developed strategies to cope emotionally when we were younger, and although those strategies may once have been protective, they can create difficulties in adult relationships. The Wise Adult, by contrast, is capable of flexibility, emotional regulation, compassion, and reflection. It is the part of us able to remain grounded enough to listen, communicate clearly, and repair disconnection when conflict arises.
When couples become stuck in recurring conflict, it is often two Adaptive Child parts interacting with one another. One partner may become critical or demanding while the other withdraws emotionally or shuts down. One may seek reassurance intensely while the other feels overwhelmed by closeness and distances themselves further. Beneath these behaviours are often older emotional wounds and protective strategies that developed long before the current relationship began.
Many of the ways we respond in adult relationships are learned early in life. Sometimes we react against what we experienced growing up. Someone who felt emotionally abandoned as a child may become highly anxious about closeness and reassurance in adult relationships, while someone raised by intrusive or controlling caregivers may become fiercely independent and emotionally guarded. At other times, we unconsciously model what we witnessed in our families. A person raised around criticism may later become highly self-critical or critical toward others under stress. Someone who learned that emotional needs were ignored may struggle to express vulnerability openly within relationships. These patterns are rarely conscious, yet they can strongly influence how we communicate, react to conflict, and interpret our partner’s behaviour.
Family therapists sometimes say that couples tend to have the same fight for decades. While the surface details may change, the emotional pattern underneath often remains remarkably similar. Over time, partners can begin seeing one another through what Real describes as a “core negative image” — an exaggerated perception of the other person at their worst. One partner becomes seen as selfish, controlling, emotionally unavailable, needy, critical, or dismissive. Once conflict moves from discussing behaviour into attacking character, repair becomes far more difficult. Statements like “you never listen” or “you always criticise me” tend to provoke defensiveness rather than understanding, leaving both partners feeling increasingly misunderstood and emotionally alone.
One of the most important shifts couples can make is moving away from blame and toward emotional responsibility. Healthy relationships are not relationships without conflict; they are relationships where repair remains possible. Often, this means learning to slow down enough to recognise when we are emotionally triggered and speaking from a reactive part of ourselves. Rather than insisting that our partner is entirely at fault, we begin becoming curious about what is happening inside us and how old emotional patterns may be shaping our reactions in the present moment.
Real describes this process as moving back toward “Us” consciousness. Counterintuitively, relationships often begin to improve when partners stop trying to defend themselves long enough to acknowledge even a small part of the other person’s experience. Simple moments of recognition — “I can understand why that upset you” or “I can see how I became defensive there” — can soften conflict and create space for reconnection. This does not mean accepting blame for everything or ignoring unhealthy behaviour. Rather, it means stepping out of combat mode and back into emotional connection.
Relationships have the potential not only to expose old wounds, but also to help heal them. Over time, couples can learn to recognise reactive patterns, communicate more openly, and remain emotionally connected even during difficult conversations. This is not about becoming perfect or never arguing. It is about learning how to stay in relationship with one another while navigating conflict with greater awareness, compassion, and emotional maturity.
In couples therapy, we often explore the protective strategies and emotional patterns that keep partners stuck in cycles of conflict or disconnection. My couples work is informed by the research-based approach developed by The Gottman Institute, helping couples strengthen communication, navigate conflict more constructively, and rebuild emotional connection. I offer Gottman Method couples therapy in Bristol and online across the UK.
Michelle Gale 