Tom and Kate, a couple in their mid-40’s with two school-aged children, came to therapy feeling worn down by the pace of family life. Between work, homework, after-school activities, and the nightly struggle to get everyone to bed, they felt like they were spending all their energy on the children and none on their relationship. Over time, resentment grew. Both described a sense of “living parallel lives.”
Communication & Emotional Connection
In the early sessions, it became clear they longed for connection but didn’t know how to reach one another. Tom valued deep conversations and quality time; he wanted to feel intellectually stimulated and emotionally close. Kate on the other hand, wished she could share more of her inner world with Tom, but often held back, worried he would see the details of her day as “boring” or burdensome.
This created a cycle: Kate withdrew to avoid potential conflict or rejection, and Tom interpreted her quietness as disinterest in him. Evenings drifted into separate activities, leaving both feeling lonely.
In therapy, we explored how to create intentional moments of connection—simple things like sitting together after the kids were in bed, playing a game, or having a gentle check-in. These small changes helped soften the distance.
Anxiety, Pressure & Old Patterns
Another theme quickly emerged: Tom felt a strong pressure to “make the most of life.” Past health scares and childhood experiences of loneliness had shaped a belief that life must be filled with activity, momentum, and togetherness. Kate often felt swept up in this intensity, worrying that her more relaxed pace meant she was letting him down.
We uncovered important family-of-origin influences for both of them. Tom had grown up feeling responsible for keeping others afloat emotionally. Kate had learned in childhood to stay quiet and avoid conflict. These patterns were replaying in their marriage without them realising it.
Therapy helped them develop compassion for these old wounds—while also helping them build healthier, more adult ways of expressing needs and limits.
Money, Security & Responsibility
Finances were another point of strain. Tom approached money with caution and long-term planning. Kate associated generosity and gift-giving with love and care. Both had valid perspectives shaped by their upbringings, yet they often felt judged or misunderstood by the other.
By exploring the stories behind their habits, they began to see each other’s intentions rather than assuming criticism. Together, they created shared priorities that balanced security with enjoyment of life.
Parenting & Partnership
In sessions, we looked at their strengths as parents and the different energy each brought to the family. Tom’s enthusiasm and structure complemented Kate’s warmth and creativity. But at times, mismatched expectations led to criticism, which triggered old insecurities for Tom.
We worked on acknowledging each other’s efforts, using gentler communication, and making space for both parenting styles without shame or pressure.
Moving Forward
Over the months, Tom and Kate learned to understand the deeper layers shaping their reactions. They developed a more balanced dynamic, where both felt heard, valued, and safer to express their needs.
Most importantly, they rebuilt a sense of partnership—not by changing who they were, but by reconnecting with empathy, curiosity, and shared intention.
Michelle Gale 