The common story around sexual desire is that it just happens. You see your partner walk in through the door, or come out of the shower wrapped in a towel, and bam! You want sex. This is generally called spontaneous desire. But there’s another form of desire that’s often left out of the movies, and that’s responsive desire.
Some people may only start to feel desire once the mood is set and sexual activities have already begun. Unlike spontaneous desire, which emerges in anticipation of sex, responsive desire develops in response to pleasure. Don’t worry—both types of desire are completely normal.
Understanding Responsive Desire
People with responsive desire can be sexually satisfied and in healthy relationships, yet they may never crave sex out of the blue. This doesn’t reflect low desire, nor does it mean they’re not attracted to their partners. It simply means they experience desire differently than those who feel more spontaneous desire.
Sex in Context: The Dual-Control Model of Desire
According to Emily Nagoski in Come as You Are, all sex is technically responsive desire. The difference is that, for some people, it feels more spontaneous than for others. In fact, sex is often context-dependent—meaning we experience desire based on both our internal state (how relaxed/stressed we feel) and the external environment. Additionally, our “brakes” and “accelerators” (terms used in the Dual-Control Model of sexual response) shape how we respond to sexual stimuli.
The Dual-Control Model, developed by Erik Janssen and John Bancroft in the 1990s, explains that sexual response is governed by the balance between two systems: one that excites (the accelerators) and one that inhibits (the brakes). Everyone has their own unique set of accelerators and brakes, which can vary greatly from person to person. The sensitivity of these individual systems plays a major role in shaping sexual temperament.
By noticing what activates your accelerators or triggers your brakes, and sharing this with your partner, you can work together to change the context of how you respond to sexual stimuli. For more on this, check out my article Navigating Sexual Desire: Why One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other.
Two Schools of Thought on Long-Term Passion
In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel presents a compelling contradiction in modern relationships: the drive for love and security often conflicts with the desire for passion, risk, and adventure. According to Perel, a degree of novelty and insecurity are essential ingredients for desire to thrive. To sustain long-term desire, she suggests maintaining some level of separateness within the relationship, creating space where eroticism can flourish.
On the other hand, John Gottman, in The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, promotes a different perspective. He argues that issues with desire in long-term relationships can be addressed by deepening intimacy and connection, rather than focusing on maintaining autonomy. Gottman advocates for couples to talk openly about their sexual needs, fostering a culture of trust and communication. He also emphasizes that not all sex needs to be of the same quality or intensity for a satisfying relationship.But who is right? The truth is, both perspectives are valid—depending on your personal view of desire. Perel’s approach fits with the narrative of spontaneous desire, which emphasizes excitement and unpredictability. Gottman’s approach, however, aligns more with the idea of passion as a celebration of togetherness.
In fact, these two approaches have more in common than they may initially seem. Both Perel and Gottman agree that passion in long-term relationships doesn’t happen by accident. It takes commitment, mutual understanding, and intentional action to nurture desire and intimacy.
Conclusion: Shaping Desire in Your Relationship
To increase spontaneous desire, it’s crucial to examine the context in which desire arises. What’s happening in your internal world—how do you feel emotionally, physically, and mentally? What’s going on in your external world—how is your partner behaving, and what is the overall atmosphere in your relationship?
By noticing what helps or hinders desire, and making small changes to improve the context, you can create a more relaxed and sexy environment. Remember, it’s perfectly normal if desire doesn’t emerge spontaneously right away. Every relationship is unique, and understanding your own desires—and your partner’s—is key to nurturing a fulfilling, healthy sexual connection.
Further reading
Gottman, J. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Orion
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. HarperCollins.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are. Simon & Schuster.
Michelle Gale 