A common concern I often hear from couples is that one partner desires sex more than the other or takes the lead in initiating intimacy. Over time, this dynamic can lead to feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and frustration. However, when I dig deeper into the issue, it often turns out that the problem isn’t a lack of attraction. So, what’s really going on?
To understand this better, we can turn to the Dual-Control Model of Sexual Desire, introduced in the late 1990s by Erik Janssen and John Bancroft at the Kinsey Institute. This model explains the underlying mechanisms of sexual arousal and how we respond to sex-related stimuli. It has been used to explore how mood affects sexual desire and behavior, and provides valuable insights into sexual satisfaction, compatibility between couples, sexual risk-taking, infidelity, sexual aggression, and compulsivity.
At its core, the Dual-Control Model suggests that sexual response is governed by the balance between two systems: one that excites and one that inhibits. To visualize this, think of the systems as ‘accelerators’ and ‘brakes,’ much like the pedals in a car.
The Accelerator: Sexual Excitation
The sexual excitation system (SE) acts as the accelerator. It’s always scanning your environment for anything that could trigger sexual arousal—sights, sounds, smells, touches, and even thoughts or fantasies. When this system is activated, signals are sent from your brain to your genitals, all happening subconsciously. The first thing you’re aware of is the sudden feeling of being turned on.
The Brake: Sexual Inhibition
On the flip side, the sexual inhibition system (SI) functions as the brake. It’s always looking for reasons not to be turned on, such as fears of an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, or social situations that might be embarrassing (like feeling aroused at work). It also responds to anxiety, performance fears, and past experiences that might have triggered feelings of shame or failure.
Your sexual arousal at any given moment is the result of the interaction between these two systems. A common misconception, according to Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, is that people struggling with desire assume it’s because their accelerator isn’t working. In reality, it’s more often about the brake being too sensitive.
Individual Sensitivity: Finding Your Sexual Temperament
Everyone has their own unique set of accelerators and brakes, which can vary greatly from person to person. However, the key factor in determining your sexual response is the sensitivity of your individual accelerator and brake. This shapes your sexual temperament.
If you have a sensitive accelerator and few brakes, you’re likely to become easily aroused, but you may also struggle to take your foot off the gas. While this might sound exciting, it can also be linked to behaviors like having multiple partners, taking sexual risks, or feeling a lack of control over your sexuality. Conversely, if you have sensitive brakes, you’re more attuned to reasons not to have sex. If your accelerator is less responsive, it might require more focus and effort to stay in the mood.
Sensitive brakes appear to be the strongest predictor of sexual challenges, such as low desire, performance anxiety, and difficulty reaching orgasm. While men tend to have more sensitive accelerators, research suggests that women typically have more sensitive brakes.
The Role of Mood and Anxiety
Another layer to consider is how these systems interact with our mood and emotional states. When you’re not in the mood for sex, it may be because something else in your life is causing stress, such as work pressures or worries about the kids. When you’re stressed, the brain often interprets many things as a threat, which can make your brakes more sensitive. That said, research shows that about 10-20% of both men and women report an increase in sexual interest when they feel anxious or depressed. This could be due to less sensitive brakes, or it could be the result of a more sensitive accelerator. The key takeaway is that we all respond differently to mood changes, and all of these responses are completely normal.
How Our Dual-Control Model Develops
The way our personal dual-control model develops is influenced by the messages we receive about sex growing up—from our families, friends, personal experiences, and what we see in society and the media.
If you’re experiencing sexual difficulties, Nagoski suggests asking yourself four key questions:
- How sensitive is your accelerator?
- What triggers it?
- How sensitive are your brakes?
- What triggers them?
Can We Change These Mechanisms?
You might be wondering if it’s possible to change these mechanisms. While we likely can’t alter the fundamental systems themselves, it is possible to retrain your brain by changing the context. Context includes the circumstances of the present moment—like who you’re with, where you are, and whether the situation feels safe or risky. Another key element is your brain state: Are you feeling relaxed or stressed? Do you trust your partner in that moment? Do you feel loved and desired?
Learning to recognize the contexts that make your brain perceive the world as a sexy place, and developing the skills to create those “sexy” contexts, are essential for increasing sexual satisfaction.
In Summary
Your sexual responsiveness is shaped by three core factors: your history (the experiences you had growing up and how you learned about sex), your relationship (how safe and trusting you feel with your partner), and your emotional state (whether you’re feeling relaxed or stressed).
It may feel overwhelming to understand all these elements, but working with a therapist can help you unpack them and regain control over your sexual responsiveness. Learning how to ask for what you need, communicate openly about what you’re feeling, and create a safe and supportive environment for intimacy can go a long way in improving your sexual relationship.
Michelle Gale 