People often think a perfect relationship is one where there is no conflict. While this idea may seem idyllic, it’s an unrealistic expectation for relationships, and striving for it can actually do more harm than good. Conflict is a natural part of any partnership, and avoiding it may lead to unresolved issues that fester over time. These unresolved issues can create emotional distance between partners, affecting both communication and intimacy. Rather than trying to avoid conflict altogether, it’s more helpful to approach it proactively and learn tools for managing and resolving conflict in healthy ways.
When managed well, conflict can be important for surfacing and deepening our understanding of issues in relationships. Conflict can also provide a much-needed release for pent-up frustrations or signal when a boundary has been crossed. By working through conflict constructively, it’s possible to develop greater trust and a more authentic connection with your partner, ultimately strengthening the relationship.
Based on their extensive research observing and working with couples over many years, the Gottmans’ have developed the following recommendations for resolving conflicts:
1. Soften Your Startup
The way you begin a conversation during a conflict can set the tone for how it unfolds. A harsh start, filled with blame or criticism, tends to escalate the situation, often leading to a cycle of negative interactions that can erode trust and connection. Gottman’s research has identified four horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that are particularly harmful to relationships.
- Criticism: This is when you attack your partner’s character, rather than addressing a specific behaviour. For example, saying “You never help around the house” or “You’re so careless” is a criticism that focuses on who your partner is rather than what they’ve done.
- Contempt: Contempt is a more destructive form of criticism, where you treat your partner with disrespect. This could be through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, or belittling. It’s often fuelled by long-standing resentment and can cause deep emotional harm.
- Defensiveness: When criticised, we often become defensive, which can make things worse. For instance, if your partner says, “You never listen to me,” you might reply, “Well, you never listen to me either!” Instead of resolving the issue, you’re just deflecting blame.
- Stonewalling: This happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation altogether. It’s a sign of emotional overload and can leave the other person feeling ignored or rejected. It’s the opposite of engaging in the conversation, and often, the stonewaller has reached their emotional limit.
The key to preventing these destructive patterns is a “softened startup.” This involves approaching a sensitive topic with care, focusing on your own feelings and needs rather than pointing fingers or attacking. Instead of saying, “You never help with the housework!” try saying, “I feel overwhelmed with the housework, and I need some help.” By focusing on your own emotions and expressing what you need, you reduce the chances of triggering defensiveness and help your partner hear you more clearly.
Research by the Gottmans found that conversations generally end in the same way they begin. So, starting a conversation with kindness, respect, and vulnerability increases the chances of a more positive and productive discussion.
2. Make and Receive Repair Attempts
In heated moments, a repair attempt is an effort to de-escalate tension. This could be a lighthearted comment, an apology, or simply acknowledging your partner’s feelings. Repair attempts help to signal that you want to reconnect.
It’s equally important to be receptive to your partner’s repair attempts. Holding onto anger or being unwilling to forgive can block progress. A helpful mindset is to remind yourself, “I may be wrong,” which softens your perspective and encourages understanding.
3. Soothe Yourself and Each Other
During arguments, it’s easy to become flooded—feeling emotionally and physically overwhelmed. Flooding can cause heart rate increases, muscle tension, and intense emotional reactions, often making it difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively.
If either partner feels flooded, it’s crucial to pause and allow time to cool down. Techniques like taking a walk, deep breathing, or engaging in a calming activity like playing with a pet can help reduce stress. Once emotions are more manageable, a productive conversation can continue.
4. Compromise
Every relationship requires compromise. This becomes easier with emotional intelligence, as demonstrated by Gottman’s research. It’s important to listen to your partner’s perspective and be open to influence. Accepting your partner’s viewpoint doesn’t mean agreeing with them all the time, but it does foster mutual respect and the ability to find workable solutions.
5. Tolerate Each Other’s Faults
No one is perfect, and it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to meet all your desires and needs. A key to maintaining harmony is accepting your partner’s flaws. If you focus on changing your partner, you may end up dissatisfied and frustrated. Instead, learn to accept imperfections and focus on the things that matter most in your relationship.
Conclusion
Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Learning to manage disagreements in a healthy way strengthens relationships and builds deeper emotional intimacy. By following Gottman’s principles of softening your startup, making and accepting repair attempts, soothing yourselves, compromising, and tolerating each other’s faults, you can resolve conflict constructively and grow closer as a couple.
Remember, a strong relationship isn’t built on the absence of conflict, but on how you handle it together. If you’d like more insights into strengthening your relationship, check out my article Gottman’s Tips for Lasting Love and Connection.
Further reading
Gottman, J. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Orion.
Michelle Gale 