Gottman’s Tips for Lasting Love and Connection

If anyone understands what can make or break a marriage, it’s John Gottman. Through decades of groundbreaking research, particularly in his “Love Labs,” Gottman has scientifically analysed the habits of couples and identified the key behaviours that predict the success or failure of a marriage with an impressive 91% accuracy. These insights are based on one core principle: emotional intelligence.

What is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, refers to the ability to recognise, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as the ability to recognise, understand, and influence the emotions of others. In the context of relationships, it’s about being aware of your own emotional state, recognising the emotions of your partner, and communicating and responding in a way that fosters empathy, respect, and deeper connection.

Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides a roadmap for creating and maintaining a successful marriage, and it all starts with emotional intelligence. Let’s dive into the principles that can make a profound difference in your relationship.

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Couples with high emotional intelligence invest in each other’s inner worlds. This means understanding your partner’s hopes, dreams, fears, and goals. Gottman refers to this as creating a ‘love map’—a mental and emotional map that helps you know each other deeply. Couples who are familiar with each other’s inner worlds are more resilient when life changes occur, such as moving to a new city, having children, or experiencing a career change. They have the communication tools in place to navigate challenges together because they already know how to stay attuned to each other’s emotional landscape.

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration

One of the most important elements of a long-lasting relationship is maintaining a deep sense of respect and admiration for each other. Gottman suggests that fondness and admiration are the cornerstones of romance and are integral to keeping a relationship healthy, even when times are tough. Every couple goes through phases where they might feel frustrated with their partner, but maintaining a genuine sense of respect and love ensures that the relationship is grounded in friendship. When couples see each other positively and with respect, they’re better able to manage conflicts and stresses that arise in life.

3. Turn Towards Each Other

Romance is often thought of as grand gestures, but Gottman argues that the small, everyday moments of connection are what really sustain intimacy in a relationship. He calls these ‘bids’—requests for attention, affection, or support. They can be as simple as a smile, a joke, or a gesture of affection. The key to emotional intimacy is responding positively to these bids. When couples regularly turn towards each other and respond with love and care, they build an emotional bank account that acts as a buffer in times of stress. Ignoring these bids, on the other hand, erodes trust and can lead to emotional distance.

Staying emotionally connected, even in the mundane moments of everyday life, strengthens the bond and helps keep passion alive. These moments of turning towards each other create a sense of being valued and loved, which fuels emotional intimacy.

4. Accept Your Partner’s Influence

Gottman’s research reveals that the happiest, most stable marriages are those in which both partners share power and decision-making equally. This doesn’t mean that one partner always defers to the other, but rather that each person’s opinions, desires, and needs are respected. Acceptance of each other’s influence is a powerful way to strengthen the friendship and emotional connection at the heart of a relationship. When both partners are open to compromise and respect each other’s input, it creates a solid foundation for navigating the complexities of life together.

This principle also helps couples stay on the same page when it comes to long-term decisions, ensuring that both partners feel heard and understood.

5. Solve the Solvable Problems

Not all problems in relationships are perpetual; some are solvable. These are the issues that, with effective communication, can be worked through and resolved. Gottman’s research shows that how couples handle solvable problems often makes a huge difference in the overall health of the marriage. The key here is to approach conflict with acceptance and to avoid criticism or judgement of your partner. When one partner feels belittled, dismissed, or misunderstood, it becomes incredibly difficult to resolve issues. The important lesson here is to focus on addressing the issue, not attacking the person.

Additionally, adopting a mindset of ‘no one is right’—recognising that there are always two valid perspectives—opens the door to empathy and understanding. This approach makes it easier to collaborate and find solutions together.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Many couples face ‘perpetual problems’—issues that seem to go unresolved no matter how much you talk about them. These issues are often tied to deeply held values, dreams, or life goals, and they are unlikely to ever fully disappear. However, successful couples find ways to manage these perpetual problems with humour, acceptance, and flexibility. The goal is not to ‘solve’ these issues but to create a space where both partners can understand each other’s experiences and desires. This mutual understanding helps to ease the tension and move beyond the gridlock.

For example, if one partner wants to move abroad and the other doesn’t, successful couples learn to navigate this tension by discussing their underlying needs, exploring areas of compromise, and finding shared meaning in their relationship.

7. Create Shared Meaning

When the day-to-day routine of work, housework, and family responsibilities takes over, it can feel like there’s little time left to nurture your relationship. But creating shared meaning is what allows couples to find deeper connection even amidst life’s busiest moments. Shared meaning comes from honouring each other’s individual dreams, while also building goals and traditions that you share as a couple. When you make space for each other’s dreams, you create a sense of unity and a shared vision of the future, which strengthens the emotional connection between you.

By fostering an environment where both partners feel valued and understood, you create a more fulfilling partnership that can weather any storm.

Conclusion: Building a Strong, Lasting Connection

In summary, Gottman’s principles for lasting love and connection are based on emotional intelligence and the fundamental importance of respect, communication, and shared understanding. By enhancing love maps, nurturing admiration, turning towards each other, and accepting influence, couples can create a deep and lasting emotional bond. These principles are not magic solutions, but they provide a powerful framework for fostering a healthy, resilient relationship. With the right tools, couples can not only overcome challenges but also thrive together, building a relationship that stands the test of time.

To learn about how to manage conflict in a healthy way, check out my article Healthy Conflict: Strengthen Your Relationship

Further reading

Gottman, J. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Orion.