Julie and John Gottman explain affairs as being the culmination of a series of steps that starts with one partner trying but failing to connect with the other (the Gottman’s call this a bid for connection). Over time, repeated failed bids for connection can lead to feelings of rejection and hurt, and ultimately the belief that our partner is not there for us when we need them. There’s a loss of trust in the relationship and emotional distance starts to creep in. When this happens the bidding partner starts to feel unwanted, unloved and vulnerable.
The anticipation of rejection builds into a persistent negative state of mind, often leading to increased conflict. What the Gottmans call the The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. If nothing is done to improve communication, the bidding partner stops trying to connect and instead begins to suppress feelings and needs. There is an active avoidance of connection in this stage.
The bidding partner starts making negative comparisons with real or imaginary partners who would make them feel wanted and valued. When a person spirals down this route, they begin to focus on their partner’s negative traits and downplay their positive traits. The door for potential cheating starts to open.
Any refusal to have sex can be interpreted as further rejection. There is less dependency on a partner, less reliance on the relationship for meeting essential needs, less investment in the relationship while idealising alternative relationships. Instead, anti-relationship thoughts take over like “maybe we’d be better off without each other,”. The window between the partners is replaced with a wall, as the window opens up to outsiders.
Secrets tend to begin with omission. While in loving relationships, interactions with others that have the potential to hurt our partner are avoided, in unhealthy relationships, connection with others are used to fill an emotional need that isn’t being met in the relationship. As avoidance and hiding behaviour increases with our partner, there is an active turning toward others. At a vulnerable moment boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal begins.
Further reading
Gottman, John. (2012). What makes love last? : how to build trust and avoid betrayal. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Michelle Gale 