In close relationships, we often show our most vulnerable selves, which can lead to unintentionally hurting one another with words or actions. While the hurt from these moments is usually fleeting, certain emotional triggers, known as raw spots, can cause deeper pain.
What are Emotional Raw Spots?
Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and family therapist, defines a “raw spot” as a hypersensitivity in our emotional “skin.” These emotional wounds are formed when our attachment needs — the deep-seated emotional desires for love, support, and connection — are repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed. Raw spots can originate in current or past relationships, especially with significant people in our lives, such as our parents, who influence our approach to relationships. These spots may also arise from major life transitions, such as becoming a parent, losing a loved one, facing a significant illness, or experiencing job loss. Any situation where emotional support from a partner was needed but not received can leave lasting marks.
Raw spots can also develop from chronic feelings of indifference or neglect in a relationship. Even small issues can become overwhelming when these feelings remain unresolved.
Why We Don’t Always Recognize Our Raw Spots
Most of us are unaware of our emotional raw spots until they’re triggered, often reacting with secondary emotions like anger or withdrawal. These responses serve as a defence mechanism to protect us from feelings of vulnerability such as shame, sadness, or fear. When these raw spots are activated in romantic relationships, they can set off dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. To break these patterns, it’s crucial to identify and understand these emotional wounds, approach them with compassion, and help our partner do the same.
How Childhood and Past Relationships Affect Our Raw Spots
People who grew up in stable and loving environments may find it easier to heal their raw spots. They’re often more able to step back from negative relationship patterns and self-soothe. However, individuals who have experienced significant trauma or emotional neglect may find it much more challenging to trust their partner or expose their vulnerability. For them, healing requires a deeper sense of safety and understanding from their partner.
Signs Your Raw Spot Has Been Hit
There are two common signs that indicate a raw spot has been triggered:
- Sudden Emotional Shift: A dramatic change in the tone of the conversation.
- Disproportionate Reactions: A response that feels exaggerated or out of sync with the situation at hand.
These intense emotions stem from the original attachment wound, often triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response. This happens because our sympathetic nervous system (the body’s natural response system to stress) activates when it perceives a threat. While these responses were once vital for survival, they can still be triggered today in response to emotional stress.
How to Heal Emotional Raw Spots
When our defence mechanisms are activated, it’s essential to give ourselves and our partner time to calm down before having a productive conversation. Healing emotional raw spots is possible within the context of a trusting and supportive relationship. The key is to bring awareness to these wounds and communicate openly with a compassionate partner. To increase the chances of your partner responding with love, understanding, and support, you need to express what you’re feeling and what you need from them.
Conclusion
Emotional raw spots are an inevitable part of intimate relationships. They often reflect deeper emotional wounds from past experiences, but with awareness, patience, and communication, they can be healed. By working together and supporting each other through moments of vulnerability, couples can create a stronger, more connected relationship.
If you find that emotional raw spots continue to trigger unhealthy patterns or create distance in your relationship, working with a therapist can be a powerful tool. A therapist can help both partners identify these raw spots, develop strategies for addressing them, and create a safe space for open, compassionate communication. Therapy can provide the guidance needed to break destructive cycles and promote lasting emotional healing.
Useful references
Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight. Piatkus, 2008.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W W Norton & Co.
Michelle Gale 